(Nie jestem) Perfect – (ale) Kochaj mnie

Byłem w Polska i zakochała się w swoim języku

Kołysanka Dla Nieznajomej

Nuna nej for (moje piękne) Stranger

Gdy nie bawi cię już świat zabawek mechanicznych,

When the world of mechanical toys doesn't amuse you anymore

Kiedy dręczy cię ból – niefizyczny;

When non-physical Ouch knocks knocks on your door

Zamiast słuchać bzdur głupich telefoniznyh wróżek zza siedmiu mórz,

Instead of listening to rubbish of stupid fortune-tellers from heck knows where

Spytaj siebie czego pragniesz; Dlaczgo kłamiesz, że miałaś wszystko?

Ask yourself what you want; why lie if you have (know) everything

Gdy udając że śpisz, w głowie tropisz bajki z gazet.

Pretending to sleep, you are tracing in your mind the cartoons from newspapers.

Kiedy nie chcesz już śnić cudzych marzeń,

When you don't want to dream other people's dreams

Boso i unikalny do mnie przyjdź i od progu bezwstydnie powiedz mi czego chcesz.

Come to me senza scarpe and tell me what you want right from the doorstep

Słuchaj jak dwa serca biją; co ludzie myślą, to nieistotne!

Listen to the two hearts beating, what others think is not so important at this moment.

Kochaj mnie! Kochaj mnie!

Love me boy

Kochaj mnie nieprzytomnie, jak zapalniczka płomień, jak sucha studnia wodę.

Love me (truly, not too) madly (deeply), love me like a lighter loves its flame, like a dry well loves water (dulce es)

Kochaj mnie namiętnie tak jakby świat się skończyć miał.

Love me passionately, as if the world is going to end.

Swoje miejsce znadź, i nie pytaj czy taki układ ma jakiś sens.

Find your place and don't ask me if this deal has any sense.

Słuchaj co twe ciało mówi; W miłosnej studni już nie utoniesz.

Listen to what your body says. In the well of love you won't drown (hmm).

Kochaj mnie! Kochaj mnie!

Love me

Kochaj mnie nieprzytomnie, jak księżyc w oknie śmiej się i płacz.

Love me madly, laugh and cry like the moon in the window.

Na linie nad przepaścią tańcz; aż w jedną, krótką chwilę,

Dance on the rope above the precipice

Pojmiesz po co żyjesz

Then you'll realize what you live for.

Schizoid Q & A Session

Q: What is behind the 'schizoid pokerface'?

A: I can only speak for myself here. I often hide annoyance and other negative emotions behind a neutral face. I never really get angry, however. I don't think that a person can effectively hide anger because of the physiological symptoms that accompany it (reddening of the face, for example).

Most of the time, however, a "pokerface" is not indicative of emotion. The schizoid is always thinking something, intellectualizing behind that blank mask. Private thoughts. You can always ask what he's thinking. Common answers are, "nothing", but if you do manage to squeeze some honest responses from him they are sure to be interesting. 

Q: Do you ever get lonely?

A: I used to get lonely. Not anymore. Ask anyone who has lived alone for years. I think the answer is usually: "You get used to it." The mind only attacks itself when it has nothing to occupy it with. My mind is always busy.

Q: What is a schizoid's love like?

A: Love is oxytocin - that dreamy chemical empathy that is released by MDMA or by the brain after orgasm while laying in bed beside a lover who is the object of infatuation. It's rare for a schizoid to feel such a thing.

You may receive loyalty and exclusive companionship from a schizoid, but to receive that other thing, that emotional bond, is very difficult. It is fleeting when it does occur.

Q: Have you ever been in love??

A: Yes, I've loved before.

One time, I was unaware of my own feelings and it wasn't until a few weeks after I pushed my girlfriend away that I began to feel a sense of longing for her. 

Q: What about distance?

A: Distance is crucial though the methods used to ensure it vary. I believe I'd be able to function in a relationship if I were only obligated to spend a couple of days or nights per week in contact with my other.

Q: What is love??

A: I am not sure if I actually understand love but I believe it's about being loved for being imperfect. If you have a special personality, however, it's very difficult to be not perfect... Being not perfect is a very shameful thing that needs to be avoided. 

But people with a special personality imagine love as something that's perfect and without flaws. It's like the object you love is an extension of you, and you just need to tell the girl your feelings and the girl will reciprocate. If she doesn't reciprocate like you imagined and in the moment you've taken the initiative, one would feel ashamed and might want to withdraw. There's not much empathy in situations like these. You just try it and if it doesn't work, you just remove the girl, like she has never existed. I think something like this goes on in every schizoid; sometimes it's more visible and sometimes it's not.

 

Q: Are schizoids jealous?

A: I think jealousy comes naturally with emotional attachment. If the schizoid has no desire of emotional commitment then it's doubtful that he'd feel jealous and vice-versa.

Q: Would it be possible for you to love without having sex?

A: A Platonic relationship would be the only sort of relationship I would pursue at this point in time.

Q: Are you very suspicious towards others?

A: Yes, actually. Trust is hard-earned and I would not even consider a sensual relationship without absolute confidence in the other.

Q: Do schizoids lie?

A: Most people lie and schizoids are no exception.

Schizoids differ. And sometimes there are more questions than answers.

....and then I heard Concrete Blonde wow

"MetaKavkosis" and Absurreality

One morning Gregor Samsa wakes up and realizes he's an insect, a bug about one metre in size. His sister and parents who used to gladly and entirely rely on him in material sense, over time start treating him as a  burden. They know Gregor the insect can't speak, but they will never find out that his soul, ability to feel and understand have remained human.

Franz Kafka's "Metamorphosis" refers to his life in many ways and how he managed to see reality in general. According to the sources (his diaries), he couldn't stand himself and had thoughts about suicide. His literary creativity was greatly inspired by his long distance romance and a few more flings with unavailable women.

Was Franz Kafka schizoid? I didn't know what 'schizoid' means when I skipped reading 'Metamorphosis' at the uni. Do I know more now? On an abstract level, yes.

There's a house opposite of mine with lots of windows. One window will show a family's quiet dinner at a table. Another 'screen' will 'play' a teenager's Birthday party. The third window may reveal drunk people fighting grotesquely. Then, on another 'screen' there are out of this universe lovers barely moving in the dim light. You'll see their unusual position and the face of the man who, if viewed closer, hasn't just come (yet) to stand there alone.

If I have the possibility to watch my rainy poetry only, I may kiss on the back my petite more. If I peep at people in all windows, I may get a very distant mini model of the mad world Franz Kafka let so inside and wrote about.

Francesco Clemente and Hamid the Great Web Designer

I got a schizoid friend whose favorite painter is Francesco Clemente. He's a web designer, a prominent one in my view. But what the heck did he find in the paintings of this artist? Elegant and exclusive? Give me a break! He's no more than a self-taught amature. Ideas behind his paintings are inspirational, but they are really not my cup of tea.

Just take a look at this mess

How can a person be fond of these awkward drawings and still create amazing web design projects. When we worked at Effusion Creative Solutions together, I even had a chance of watching his creative ideas flow. Now I can only see the result of his work at a distance. 

Have a look at his website templates below. What amazes me is their schizoid stylishness, variety of ideas and attention to detail. Let alone the talent of a great web designer. If you are interested in any of the below templates (or similar ones) just contact the author at alihamid33@yahoo.com to discuss the details of purchasing them.  His name is Hamid.

I call them website templates that make your toes curl...

Schizoid and Communication

As I once mentioned, Russian and Western scholars' words about schizoid personalities differ in some aspects. After all, the universe is allowed to have its profound mysteries (schizoids)... I'm sure one day I'll  find out from a more professional point of view.

Schizoid-and-communication issue from a Russianly scientific viewpoint:

1. Some schizoids don't have the skill of being initiative in a conversation, they quickly become exhausted during contact. Sudden silence may cause paralysing effect and is rarely followed by anything  verbal for this anything  (even though prepared carefully by a schizoid) can sound awkward and not to the point.

2. Schizoids do not let most people in and are often suspicious towards them, even though in some cases suspicions are groundless. When someone starts a conversation, the schizoid can make a face showing they are not in the mood, some are good at avoiding intrusion (uncomfortable questions or conversations) by changing subject, confusing the curious or joking the matter off.

3. It is uneasy for some schizoids to relax in the process of communication because they are being 'read' by others. Ingenuousness of communication is something which is often unreachable for schizoids, that's why they sometimes prefer communicating through a thin glass of verbal playfulness or abstractness. 

4. If a schizoid, realizing this communicative inadequacy, tries hard to be natural, it only adds more stiffness to the issue. As a result, some schizoids can choose not to be themselves which is wrong. The best here is learning and practicing formalities that function where schizoids have to communicate more actively than usual. If these formalities are mastered, schizoid's real self will stay safely hidden while their occasional reticence can be interpreted as profundity and depth of thought.

"There's everything in the schizoid - coldness and passion (and idea), stubborness and (hmm) obedience, indifference and passionate endurance, brilliance and eccentricity - all of this is painted with subtle colours of striving for harmony that exists in the soul of a person with schizoid personality". I haven't found anything similar written about schizoids in Western scientific sources.

There can be musinderstandings that occur during  (indirect) communication with the schizoid which sometimes cause paranoid reactions on both sides. There can be bad feelings (accompanied with confusing 'black magic' words and manipulative moments) indirected at you too...

On the other hand, communicating with certain unique schizoids (sometimes indirectly) introduces you to the kind of  music you have never heard before.

... of Heart

Right after I had watched Garden State yesterday the TV started showing Al Bano who sang Perché  (and other songs) with sensual Russian huge-titted singeresses. Strange because it was one of the random radio songs I had to drive to the seacoast to in July-almost August. In any case, this singer is especially appreciated in post Sovietic locations because tons of post Soviet people still remember how they used to become all sentimental to his songs.

I was recommended to watch Garden State by one guy I know from the times when I asked people questions about schizoid personality. He told me the movie is about a schizoid who falls in love - so of course I had to watch it as soon as I could. I do not know if 'Large' is schizoid or not because recently I read about Summer  from  500 Days of Summer who (according to some sources) is a monster with borderline personality disorder... ("I hate you, don't leave me"). In any case,  from what I've watched I can say it is quite possible that Andrew is somewhat schizoid.

Below are just a few scenes I liked

Non-Garden State of Mind

  

"If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you'd like". I do something similar, but usually Seal it with 'pussy!!!' in Russian

Did something similar on the beach

... deserves a quiet night

- I'm not innocent! - Yes, you are! All right? And that's what I like about you!

- Tissue? How are you feelin'? - Safe.

Михей и Джуманджи "Так чисто" перевод

Наступят дни когда-нибудь, когда не будет больно,

Былое, незабытое оставит моё тело.

Я не могу больше вспоминать о тебе,

Я знаю, я вру сам себе,

И время не залечит мои раны,

Пойдём со мной, прошу.

Давай уйдём туда, где светит солнце,

Там нет мирских сует и вожделений,

Туда, где сердце бьётся часто,

И зависти там места нет,

Нет искушений, зла, лукавства.

Я люблю тебя, так чисто.


По-разному трактуют все любовь, но не понятно,

Она ведь не приходит каждый день, и я грешен,

О Бог мой, для чего ты наделил меня ей, и я страдаю веками,

И сладкие оковы, эти сети я срываю.


Давай уйдём туда где светит солнце,

Там нет мирских сует и вожделений,

Туда, где сердце бьётся часто,

И зависти там места нет,

Нет искушений, зла, лукавства.

Я люблю тебя, так чисто.

Andrea Bocelli Caruso перевод. The Visible That Is Hidden

Qui dove il mare luccica
Там, где море сияет,
e grida forte il vento
Там, где ветер бушует
su una vecchia terrazza davanti al golfo di Surriento
На ветхой террасе, на берегу Черного моря
un uomo abbraccia una ragazza dopo che aveva pianto
Мужчина обнимает девушку
poi si schiarisce la voce e ricomincia il canto:
В то время, как она шепчет ему на ухо:

Te voglio bene assai
Я люблю тебя очень странно
ma tanto tanto bene sai
Почти анонимно, на расстоянии,
è  una catena ormai
Как будто ты уникальное создание,
che scioglie il sangue dint'e vene sai...

Как будто ты большой Гулливер; или маленький непослушный гений,
На которого нет смысла обижаться.

Vide le luci in mezzo al mare
Мужчина увидел огни вдалеке от берега
pensò alle notti là in America
И вспомнил ночи, проведенные там, в Америке,
ma erano solo le lampare
Но это были всего лишь катера,
e la bianca scia di un'elica
Оставляющие за собой белый след.
sentì il dolore nella musica
Он почувствовал боль в музыке
si alzò dal pianoforte
И встал из-за пианино,
ma quando vide la luna uscire da una nuvola
Но когда он увидел луну, появляющуюся из-за облаков,
gli sembrò più dolce anche la morte.
Даже смерть показалась ему прекрасной.
Guardò negli occhi la ragazza
Он посмотрел в глаза девушке,
quegli occhi verdi come il mare
Глаза карие, как и его.
poi all'improvviso uscì una lacrima
Внезапно слеза покатилась по ее щеке,
e lui credette di affogare.
И ему показалось, что он тонет.

From: http://lyricstranslate.com

La potenza della lirica dove ogni dramma e' un falso
Сила поэзии, притворство драмы,
che con un po' di trucco e con la mimica
Немного грима и мимики, 
puoi diventare un altro
И кто-то даже способен стать другим человеком.
Ma due occhi che ti guardano
Но эти чувства, которые питают сердце
così vicini e veri
И заставляют тело дрожать,
ti fanno scordare le parole
Они поднимают меня выше вопроса веры,
confondono i pensieri.
Но вместе с тем не лишают разума.

Così diventò tutto piccolo
И в наших мечтах все становится таким незначительным,
anche le notti là in America
Даже те ночи, проведённые в Америке,
ti volti e vedi la tua vita
Мужчина оглядывается на своё прошлое,
come la scia di un'elica.
И оно похоже на след от катера
Ah si, e' la vita che finisce
Да, всякая жизнь когда-нибудь заканчивается,
ma lui non ci pensò poi tanto
Но он не думал об этом, наоборот,
anzi si sentiva felice
Он почувствовал себя очень счастливым,
e ricominciò il suo canto:
Когда девушка прошептала снова:

Te voglio bene assai
Я люблю тебя, а ты любишь причинять боль мне.
ma tanto tanto bene sai
Люблю тебя как хорошая девочка и плохая,
è una catena ormai
Как детектив или кое-что знающий психолог,
che scioglie il sangue dint'e vene sai...
Который все равно любит быть поэтом, потому что это хорни.

Te voglio bene assai
Я кохаю тебе пристрасно, але обережно,
ma tanto tanto bene sai
Как закрытая рука,
è una catena ormai
Как один рот, который завтра будет молчать, 
che scioglie il sangue dint'e vene sai...
Но сегодня он хочет петь громче, чем Паваротти для тебя.

Cold Moloko Tastes Like Nothing but Róisín Murphy

Today I've rediscovered Moloko thanks to the discovery of Róisín Murphy, the duo's former part. Moloko is Russian for 'milk'. Can't but associate it all with Karin Drejer, Róisín Murphy sounds much sexier though. "The Time is Now", 'Sing It Back', "Forever More"...  Not bad indeed. But yesterday I heard Royal T by Róisín and the Crookers, and the 'sweet melody' came right on time. So I started doing the exploration...

I can let you have your way - stirred up hours-in... of imagination. So addictive, I'd dance all night to this.

Looks like science is powerless sometimes. Your data my data... (Familiar?) alien feelings, cool video.

Where Is The What If The What Is In Why? - I liked before listening, slightly puzzled me after. I sense the genius, almost a cellar-door effect in terms of 'senseaesthetics'. "What if the answer is never the truth".

Somatic linguistics is something I want to learn more about.

Random September Thoughts

There are so many questions I often want to find answers to. Both simple and really complicated ones. If I connect it to some of many things that my vision (and the issues of this blog) include, it would be interesting to know the (close-to)exact explanation of schizoid, paranoid and many other issues, explanation of certain feelings and reactions from a professionally psychological point of view, in other words - to know myself better (and more or less correctly).

In simpler (less intricate) terms, it would be interesting to explain difficult characters in serious movies, like for example why Frank TJ Mackey had so much negativity for women when his father (man) was the one to leave him and his sick mother (woman), or why he had so much negativity at all... Or, for instance,  (non-psychological one) why didn't "little miss sunshine" ever show  her super freaky (cool!) performance to her parents before actually doing the show?

Another interesting moment, I'll illustrate in an example. Once upon a time there lived two wonderful people - Billy and Mr. Clemente (gay student and straight professional). They lived their very separate lives and occasionally communicated. It happened that Billy fell in love with Mr. Clemente accidentally. Billy knew that love is a rare thing, and yet knew he will soon wise up enough to understand everything and move on. One day Billy decided to send a sign of appreciation to his love object in the form of two innocent photos of him he had. In this case it would be interesting to know why Mr. Celemente's reaction was "A-ha, so you want to eat me like a banana and squeeze the juice out of me!" 

I'm not so familiar with paranoid issues in deep theory, but I absolutely agree that one cannot (and shouldn't) trust people much nowadays. The safest reaction here is trusting most ugly stereotypes instead - even if one sees (thinks that one sees?) something genuine. I wonder if I'm the only female  in this world who can feel non-stereotypically (uselessly, if you wish). If yes, I might be the only reader of my future books.

The world is wild, so maybe it's right to always stay on the safe paranoid side.

Arabian Drums of a **** Hymn

     (Bob Dylan?...)

Back to Dylan who wrote unspeakable poetry. Just like with surrealism paintings, it takes more than one approach to the song (and facts around it) to call it poetry that means a lot. Figuratively speaking, it takes attempting at getting inside Bob Dylan's head. Some moments are quite self-explanatory, others' meaning is Rorschach inkblot test.

SAd Eyed Lady of the Lowlands (1966) was inspired by SAra Dylan whose name was Lownds when he met her. First factual similiarity which makes perfect sense on the knowledgeably surreal level of one's vision. BD once called the song 'the best song I ever wrote'. An 11-minute love hymn that doesn't  even mention my sweet sweet just-a-four-letter-word. Dylan wrote it in Chelsea Hotel, NY and never played in concert.

(from some magazine): "Eleven minutes-plus of serpentine psychodrama. Like jazz and Byron, it goes on and on and on".

I'd say who else is as good at making surreal sex with words as BD?

With your mercury mouth* in the missionary times
And your eyes like smoke and your prayers like rhymes
And your silver cross, and your voice like chimes
Oh, who do they think could bury you?
With your streetcar visions which you place on the grass
And your flesh like silk, and your face like glass
Who among them do they think could carry you?
Sad-eyed lady of the Lowlands
Where the sad-eyed prophet** says that no man comes
My warehouse eyes***, my Arabian drums
Should I leave them by your gate
Or, sad-eyed lady, should I wait?

*       mercury mouth - slipping away at contact 

**     sad-eyed prophet - possibly Dylan himself 

***   warehouse eyes -   possibly how he manages to store the image of ALL of her in his eyes, which others are unable to do, possibly refers to a slight emptiness inside. 

**** Warehouse eyes + Arabian drums = possibly restlessness or logic he believes she can free him from.

With your sheets like metal and your belt like lace*
And your deck of cards missing the jack and the ace
And your basement clothes and your hollow face
Who among them can think he could outguess you?
With your silhouette when the sunlight dims
Into your eyes where the moonlight swims
And your matchbox songs and your gypsy hymns
Who among them would try to impress you?
Sad-eyed lady of the Lowlands.

* your sheets like metal and your belt like lace - reference to Sara's father's business.

------------------------------------------------------------
The kings of Tyrus with their convict list
Are waiting in line for their geranium kiss
And you wouldn’t know it would happen like this
But who among them really wants just to kiss you?
With your childhood flames on your midnight rug
And your Spanish manners and your mother’s drugs
And your cowboy mouth and your curfew plugs
Who among them do you think could resist you?
Sad-eyed lady of the Lowlands.

Oh, the farmers and the businessmen, they all did decide
To show you the dead angels that they used to hide
But why did they pick you to sympathize with their side?
Oh, how could they ever mistake you?
They wished you’d accepted the blame for the farm
But with the sea at your feet and the phony false alarm
And with the child of a hoodlum wrapped up in your arms*
How could they ever, ever persuade you?
Sad-eyed lady of the Lowlands.

*child of a hoodlum wrapped up in your arms - most likely Sara's daughter Mary she had with her first husband.

With your sheet-metal memory of Cannery Row*
And your magazine-husband** who one day just had to go
And your gentleness now, which you just can’t help but show
Who among them do you think would employ you?
Now you stand with your thief, you’re on his parole
With your holy medallion which your fingertips fold
And your saintlike face and your ghostlike soul
Oh, who among them do you think could destroy you?
Sad-eyed lady of the Lowlands.


*     sheet-metal memory of Cannery Row - reference to Sara's father's business, Steinbeck. 
**   Magazine husband - Sara's first husband, magazine photographer Hans Lownds.

Bob Dylan is worth being repetitive.
I know hay amores so beautiful that in themselves inspire artists to create masterpieces not many people can (bother to) understand and appreciate.

God is a WoMan?

A few months ago I read an article where one schizoid-curious smartass explores the schizoid subject from a close-to-religious aspect. He supports Newton's point of view stating that science and religion not always contradict one another. Here's what he writes. 

"I'll start with the statement that all people are different yet at the same time similar.

However, there's one 'behaviour pattern' that differs from others, it deals with the (notorious) schizoid personality. I'm not mentioning severe cases here, I'm speaking about 'milder' schizoids (good side of schizoid personality I'd say). These people are cautious in choosing contacts, and sometimes this caution is peaking.

Grigoriy Perelman - a prominent Russian (Jewish, according to the name) mathematician is a typical schizoid. He's 44, lives with his Mother in a tiny apartment in St. Perersburg. Likes walks in the beautiful city in the company of his Self. Journalists are hunting him hoping for an interview but to no avail - he hides because he doesn't like these random contacts. Refused from $1000000 offered for his unique scientific achievements (ignored some other awards as well).

And so, about a year ago, when I was randomly thinking about God, I found myself comparing His 'traits' to the ones of schizoids. Avoids direct interactions. Exceptions are brief and restricted contacts. Prefers to speak with prophets only in their dreams. Go-betweens deal with all the contacts, he is  always behind the scenes. He even wrote the Bible through his "write-betweens"... Same eccentricity and inconsistency in actions (or, in any case, seeming inconsistency).

If you're hoping to ask me about the conclusions I may have drawn after arriving at the God-is-schizoid idea, I'll tell you I haven't yet. There's one interesting thought though. Nobody will argue over the fact that if there's no way to watch the tiger, you may observe a cat to substitute for the striped sacredness. Not the same,  but still something to learn about "feline traits" from. So when you look at the schizoid, you see a bit of God."

Is God schizoid, crazy or what? According to the article - both (crazy being the sane response to the world around). But aren't people too "saint" and "sane" for such judgemental non-musical comparisons?


now I need to know where exactly it played...

Portuguese Songs of the Sea

I'm currently swimming in Portuguese music. "Sweet Bridges", Mariza, fado, songs of the sea... I like Canção do Mar by Dulce Pontes (originally by Amália Rodrigues), its instrumental cover by Mariano do Rego and the way it fits the Tudors in certain moments.

But my favourite is 'O Mare e Tu by Andrea Bocelli and Dulce. I love the sound, the video and the way their voices fuse. Sources say it was written by Enzo Gragnaniello in Neapolitan. The songs are old, so the lyrics are pathos and quite theatrical (histrionic?), but still they sound amazing in Portuguese. Needless to say I love the language.

Andrea Bocelli with Dulce Pontes 'O Mare e tu - correct translation traducción точный перевод

Portuguese: Sentir em nós
English: To feel in us,

Spanish: Sentir en nosotros

Russian: Чувствуем в нас

Portuguese: Sentir em nós
English: To feel in us,

Spanish: Sintiendo en nosotros

Russian: Чувствуем в нас  


Portuguese: Uma razão para não ficarmos sós
English: A reason not to stay alone. 
Spanish: Una razón para no quedarnos solos
Russian: Причину оставаться вдвоем 

Portuguese: E nesse abraço forte
English: In that strong embrace  
Spanish: Y en ese abrazo fuerte
Russian: В этих крепких объятьях 

Portuguese: Sentir o mar
English: I feel the sea.
Spanish: Sentir el mar
Russian: Мы чувствуем море  

Portuguese: Na nossa voz,
English: In our voice  
Spanish: En nuestra voz
Russian: В нашем голосе 

Portuguese: Chorar como quem sonha sempre navegar
English: There's a cry of someone who dreams of navigating
Spanish: Llorar como quien sueña siempre navegar
Russian: Слышен крик тех, кто мечтает плыть 

Portuguese: Nas velas rubras deste amor
English: Under scarlet sail of this love. 
Spanish: En las velas apasionadas de este amor
Russian: Под парусами этой любви 

Portuguese: Ao longe a barca louca perde o norte.
English: In the distance the barque loses its way.
Spanish: En la distancia la barca loca pierde el norte.
Russian: Вдалеке неистовая лодка теряет ориентиры.

Portuguese: Meu amor
Spanish: Amor mío
English: My love
Neapolitan: Ammore mio
Russian: Любовь моя 

Portuguese: Se não estivesse aqui o mar e tu
Spanish: Si no existiese el mar y tú
English: If the sea and you were not here 
Neapolitan: Si nun ce stess'o mare e tu
Russian: Если бы здесь не было моря и тебя, 

Portuguese: Eu também não estaria aqui
Spanish: Yo tampoco estaría.
English: I wouldn't be here either.  
Neapolitan: Nun ce stesse manch'io
Russian: Меня бы тоже здесь не было  

Portuguese: Meu amor
Spanish: Amor mío
English: My love  
Neapolitan: Ammore mio
Russian: Моя любовь, 

Portuguese: O amor existe quando nós
Spanish: Si nuestro amor se fuese un día
English: Love exists when we are 
Neapolitan: L'amore esiste quanno nuje
Russian: Ты существуешь пока 

Portuguese: Estamos próximos de Deus.
Spanish: Dios nos lo encontraría
English: Close to God. 
Neapolitan: Stamme vicino a Dio
Russian: Мы есть под небесами. 

Neapolitan: Ammore

Portuguese: No teu olhar
Spanish: En tus ojos
English: In your eyes 
Russian: В твоих глазах 

Portuguese: Um espelho de água
Spanish: Un espejo de agua
English: There's the reflection of water 
Russian: Отражение воды

Portuguese: A vida a navegar por entre o sonho e a mágoa
Spanish: Toda la vida navegar entre el sueño y el dolor
English: And of life navigating between the dream and the pain. 
Russian: И жизни, плавающей между мечтаньями и болью.

Portuguese: Sem um adeus sequer.
Spanish: Sin siquiera un adios
English: Without a word of goodbye 
Russian: Без единого слова прощанья


Portuguese: E mansamente,
Spanish: Y en silencio
English: And gently 
Russian: Нежно

Portuguese: Talvez no mar,
Spanish: Tal vez en el mar,
English: Perhaps in the sea 
Russian: Быть может, в море

Portuguese: Eu feita espuma encontre o sal do teu olhar,
Spanish: Yo hecha espuma encuentre el sal de tus ojos
English: I made the foam find the salt of your look.
Russian: Я заставила пену отыскать соль твоего взгляда

Portuguese: Voga ao de leve, meu amor
Spanish: Remo hacia la luz, mi amor
English: I sail towards the light, my love.
Russian: Я плыву к свету, любовь моя

Portuguese: Ao longe a barca nua a todo o pano.
Spanish: A lo lejos la barca desnuda va a toda vela
English: In the distance the sailess barque goes under full sail.
Russian: Вдали лодка плывет на всех несуществующих парусах.



Dulce Pontes Canção do Mar translation перевод

Fui bailar no meu batel
I was dancing on my little boat
Я танцевала в своей маленькой лодке

Além do mar cruel
There in the cruel sea
В жестоком море

E o mar bramindo
And the sea was crying out to me
И море взывало ко мне

Diz que eu fui roubar
Telling me that I should steal
Просило украсть

A luz sem par
The unique light
Ни с чем не сравнимый свет

Do teu olhar tão lindo
Of your beautiful eyes
Твоего взгляда

Vem saber se o mar terá razão
Come and prove that the sea is right
Прийди, чтоб я убедилась, что море не врет

Vem cá ver bailar meu coração
Come here and see me dancing my love
Прийди и посмотри, как я танцую, любовь моя.

Se eu bailar no meu batel
If I go dancing on my little boat
Если я пойду танцевать в моей маленькой лодке,

Não vou ao mar cruel
I won't go to the cruel sea
Я не выйду в жестокое море,

E nem lhe digo aonde eu fui cantar
Nor will I tell you where I was singing
И тебе не скажу, где я пела,

Sorrir, bailar, viver, sonhar contigo
Smiling, dancing, living, dreaming of you.
Улыбалась, танцевала, жила и мечтала о тебе.

Gonna have to watch the Tudors now. ( watched and did not like) But before that - tonight's star shower. Meteorite rain Russians call it.

Hands and bowFingers

There are movies that give you a lot of food for thought. There are movies that almost give you zero gravity of mind. Bowfinger (1999) is a good-spirited, silly and inspirational film. There is a number of small things and crazy moments about it that make you smile. The humour is everywhere - humour of words twins with humour of situation. My special preference is humour on characters' faces, it's real fun.

Open-minded Betsy is my favourite character. She is so eloquent. But Bowfinger is cool too, has some great qualities. Always picks up the pieces and lets the drummer kick whenever the situation tests his breakability.

Traditionally, some real memorable quotes

• It had rained that day. But was it normal rain? Or was it Chubby Rain? 

• Happy Premise Number One: There are no aliens.

• - She didn't have 'it'. - What do you mean 'it'? - 'It' is a special quality.

•  Afrim, we gotta get a crew. The best damn crew we ca afford. Welcome to America.

• - Do you love Smashing Pumpkins? - I love to do that!

• - I have eight brothers, four sisters and no job! I'm screwed! - There's no movie. I can't believe there's no movie! - I showed my breasts on film. For what? - I'm a felon. - Carol, what do you think? - I think it was a beautiful lie.

• I should never have slept with the alien life from the star system Neon!  

• My gonads! My gonads! 

• They're all aliens worshipping their false gods!

Now that fingers have been wrapped around each other, it's time to touch upon hands. One of my favourite Royksopp songs. Expresses certain phenomenal feelings that cannot be easily defined.

Chris Rea, one of the great beach melodies. I'ma hear it on the beach today.

Magnolian Street of Life

 (Paul Nash - Flight of the Magnolia)


American male singers steal and wear purely Russian female names.

Scientists discover a big-schnozzed frog in Indonesia.

Donald W. Winnicott - a notable contributor to the 'schizoid subject' and the author of the so-called 'false self disorder' theory - winks at the schizoid-curious me right from the screen at the very moment when it's raining like Billy-oh outside...

And I would like to think this is only a matter of chance... But at this moment I can't.
Because I'm watching the movie Magnolia (1999).
------------------------------------------------

Reading or writing your typical review describing numerous situations of the movie Magnolia is quite boring and useless. It's the kind of movie details of which you need to investigate yourself.

Things fall down.

• She was my wife for 23 years. And I have a son. And she has cancer. And I'm not there...

• Let's make some fucking money here, people.

• - I've cheated on you and it kills me... and the guilt of what I've done. - Why doesn't Claudia talk to you Jimmy?

• You see, I never loved him. Earl. When I met him, I fucked him, and married him... because I wanted his money. You understand?

People look up.

• This is so boring. So goddamn... That dying wish... and all that old-man-on-a-bed... wants one thing... Find him...

• -You have to be nicer to me, Dad. -Go to bed.

• I have to talk about so many things. I don't want you to think I'm that way to you. I'm sick, Claudia.

• I want to change his will. Can I change his will? I need to.

And when it rains, it pours.

(Raining) cats and dogs there, huh?

Random favourites

• "We may be through with the past... but the past ain't through with us'.

• Bottom line? Language. Tap directly into her hopes, her wants ... her fears, her desires, and her sweet little panties. Learn how to make that lady 'friend' your sex-starved servant.

• - I can help you solve the case. Tell you who did it. (.......) The professor, I'ma teach you about the worm............ (Jerome Samuel Hall. Did he ever fight with your husband? Is this the Worm? Do they call him Worm?)

• Now, this is the part of the movie where you help me.

• And she knew what I did. She knew all the fucking things I'd done. But the love was stronger than anything you can think of. The goddamn regret.

• This happens. This is something that happens.

• And what most people don't see is just how hard it is to do the right thing. Sometimes people need a little help. Sometimes people need to be forgiven.

• And we move through this life, we should try and do good. Do good. And if we can do that... and not hurt anyone else... well, then...

------------------------------------------------------

Magnolia is both educational and instructive, an intellectual and emotional challenge. We love or want to love somebody, make mistakes, use denial to avoid troubles, try to improve, lie, cheat, leave someone we shouldn't leave, have regrets... Life is more random than art or music. I'm glad I've watched.

what a coincidence

 

Океан Ельзи Друг Okean Elzy Friend translation

Якби колись сказала ти менi стати твоiм човном.
If only you asked me to be your boat for a while
Якби колись, то взяв би я тебе i на волю б поплив.
If only you did, I'd float with you to freedom
Якби колись сказала ти менi стати тiнню в ночi.
If only you asked me to be a shadow in the night for some time
Якби колись сказала, я б не спав - за тобою б ходив,
If only you asked me without being cruel to me, I would follow you
Тайною жив би я...
I would cover your mystery

Буду завжди, ти так i знай
I will be your friend if I can't be your lover
Другом твоiм, ну i нехай...
Your friend I'll be, ok.
Буду завжди, ти так i знай
I'll be your friend if I can't be your lover
Другом твоiм, ну i нехай...
Ok, I'll be your friend  

(but I'd prefer a lover)

Якби колись дозволила б менi стати твоiм вином.
If only you showed me you want me to be around
Якби колись дозволила б менi стати тiлом твоiм.
If only you let me be your body for some time
Якби хоч раз сказала ти менi стати твоiм вином.
If only you  told me you want me to be your wine for a while
Якби дозволила менi, я б твою до краiв
I would fill a part of your soul with mine
Душу споiв собою.

Хочу тебе, ти так i знай
I want you 
Хоч би на мить... ну i нехай...
At least for a moment, oh well ok...

Isn't it funny that when you  make an attempt to transliterate the Russian word 'friend', you'll get 'drug'.

Eternal Sunshine of Passion

When you are in love with someone who shows you not much (here I go again), there may come a moment when you do not know how to approach them and show them that you  really care without hurting, attacking, being seen as indifferent or causing misunderstandings. You research, create blogs, choose songs, watch new movies, then impetuously blow up etc.

But because you understand that some things (feelings) stay unchanged, you go on cherishing them.

So the movie I was recently introduced to by someone brilliantly special is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The tricky name was taken from the poem Eloisa to Abelard by Alexander Pope where forgetfulness became Eloisa's only comfort in the situation of the tragic love affair.

It's funny that Russians first translated the movie as 'Eternal Sunshine of Passion'. I like the 'passion' version much more than 'spotless mind'. And of course I like the soundtrack.

You can erase someone from your mind (really?)
Getting them out of your heart is another story (yes)


my favourite quotes in my favourite order

('honeymoon' on ice)

Joel: I don't know. What if it breaks?
Clementine: What if? Do you really care right now?

(close to the childhood memories)
Joel: I can't remember anything without you.

4-Year-Old Joel: I really want her to pick me up. It's amazing how strong that desire is.


Joel: I love being bathed in the sink - such a feeling of security.
Clementine: I've never seen you happier, baby Joel.


Clementine: Hi, I'm Clementine, can I have a piece of chicken?
Joel: Then you just took it. It was so intimate. It was like we were already lovers.

Joel: I had a really nice time last night.
Clementine: Nice?
Joel: I had the best fucking night of my entire fucking life, last night!
Clementine: Thaaaat's better! 

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will. You know, you will think of things.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: Okay.

(Charles River memory)
Joel: I could die right now, Clem. I'm just... really happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be.



(I've watched Magnolia now)

In **** with *******

 

Schizoid Personality Traits or Symptoms?

SP or SPD? If you want to know a professional's point of view - ask a therapist. Don't want to ask a therapist? Read on, but don't expect to find an absolute truth to match what you have in mind.

Some traditionally labeling scientific conclusions mixed with unofficial thoughts on schizoid personality disorder vs. schizoid personality issue.

Diagnostic Criteria for Schizoid Personality Disorder (DSM* and WHO**)

• detachment from social relationships - neither desires nor enjoys close relationships
• almost always prefers solitary activities
• has little interest in experiencing intimacy with other person
• takes pleasure in few, if any, activities
• lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives
• seems indifferent to praise or criticism
• indifferent to social norms and conventions
• preoccupation with fantasy and introspection
• emotionally cold and inexpressive.

more on schizoid personality traits according to Guntrip: (Guntrip is the champion, or one of them)

• introversion - being emotionally cut off from reality is safer, so a schizoid individual prefers safety within their inner world
• withdrawness - emotional withdrawness
• narcissism - arises from the interior life the schizoid lives
• self-sufficiency - independence prevents any 'external' reliance or, even worse, dependence
• sense of superiority - suggests being at a horizontal distance from others
• loss of affect - often manifests itself as genuine confusion, a sense of something missing in one's emotional life
• loneliness - 'loneliness in the midst of a crowd'
• depersonalization - tuning out, some acute defense against overwhelming anxiety (danger)
• regression - to a place of ultimate safety.

more on schizoid relationships: it is possible for schizoid individuals to form relationships based on all modes of relating - intellectual, physical, occupational etc. as long as they do not require or force emotional closeness. Donald Winnicott: 'Schizoid individuals prefer to make relationships on their own terms and not in terms of the impulses of other people'. If they cannot do so, they choose isolation.

Acc. to Gunderson, 'people with SPD feel lost without the people they are normally around because they need a sense of security and stability.' But when their personal space is violated, they feel suffocated and feel the need to free themselves. This means that people with schizoid personality can be most satisfied (as much as it's possible) when they are in a relationship in which a partner places few emotional demands on them.

more on schizoid sexuality: schizoid individuals may have a normal sex drive though their need for sex may appear less tangible than for those with no schizoid traits. Official sources say schizoids can last long without sex. Some schizoids prefer solitary sex to dealing with the social (and emotional) aspects of finding a partner.

Some unofficial subjective thoughts and quotes on schizoid personality

• Indifference or self-preservative wariness? Coldness or caution? Emotionlessness or difficulty expressing emotions? Scientific conclusions sound safe but sometimes resemble harsh ultimatums. A bit of human approach is important (not too much).

• "The traditional DSM diagnostic criteria is based around how you present yourself to others. It doesn't matter if you think or feel that a life of a solitude is dismal or not, what matters is how you convey your thoughts to others in real life For example, a person thinks 'I need love', but tells therapist 'I don't need anyone else', and the therapist sees the patient as schizoid. This rift between the inner and outer world of the schizoid is their biggest problem'. 

• "I can think about sex all day, but if I don't approach girls or show any visually defined interest in real life, then that's a schizoid characteristic -- others will think I'm asexual or whatever no matter how I feel "on the inside", this is the difference between overt and covert schizoid characteristics"

• "People really should not be told about personality disorders. They so have a tendency to take all the descriptors and think of those personality traits as the disorder. The traits are simply traits of people in general, that tend to cluster in people with rigid personality styles. They cluster to a degree that they become very narrow and rigid and unable to adjust flexibly to life and people and circumstances. It really is all a matter of DEGREE, not a matter of having such and such trait. If you had no traits, you'd also have no personality. zero. Being eccentric is also not a personality disorder. Being dysfunctional and unhappy, or impossible to deal with, is one though."
   
  
• "A person can have all the characteristics of any given personality disorder, but so long as they're functional, they don't really have a disorder." Now define your standards of being functional, analyze, self-ironize...

...and feel free to (with)draw your own conclusions.

* DSM - The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

**WHO - The World Health Organization